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Funding refused

Back in December I had a fall. Smash I went. Knees first onto concrete. I couldn’t make a fuss because I was playing at being a secret squirrel. Hubby and I had decided not to buy each other presents for Christmas. Long story short, FB market place, new digital camera, waited ’til other half out drinking with his mates, sneak off and get camera for him. I kept quiet about swollen, bruised knees and difficlty moving. Stopped my aquafit, balletand determined walking. Allied with smoking cessation my inactivity lead to weight gain (and unhappiness).

Move on to April. Tried increasing walking effort. Knees, especially left one, protested. Employed personal trainer once a week to tailor keep fit sessions for me. Took part in a colour run with duagheters and grandaughters, and that was the last time I lived day to day, and night to night, without knee pain. I did all the right things. Ice packs; anti-inflammatories. I contacted a private physio, she refused to ‘touch my knee’. Walking was extremely painful. Climbing and descending stairs was awful. Nights were interupted with intense pain, I gave in and consulted the GP. MRI. Complex meniscal tear. Bakers cyst. Medial, collateral ligament sprain. Start hoop jumping. See NHS physio. Refers me to surgeon. Surgeon recommends arthroscopy. He evn gives me the op date, 5 weeks away. Off on annual Portugal holiday first. Cannot walk, cannot even get on and off a sun lounger. Feeling quite low, but hope the op will sort me out.

Home. Phonecall to say that funding for my op has been refused. Why? I dont fulfil the criteria. ‘Which criteria?’ I ask. I haven’t been using conservative treatment for 3 months. What?????? Appontment made to see consultant, again.

Well, that was a waste of time. The consultant sat there. He had no idea why the funding was refused. There were no clues in my notes. He is going to reapply. How he is going to appeal, as he has no idea why it was refused, I cant begin to fathom. Where did the 3 month rule come from?

To say I’m low does not actually describe my mood. I’m hanging on in here, waiting the result of the ‘appeal’. My life is rubbish. I gave up smoking. I knew I would gain weight but I had my exercise. Had to stop my exercise. Weight starts going on, and on. Not good for damaged knee. I tried. I am caught in a horrid circle. I am living on anti-inflammatories and analgesics.

I know there are many, many people with life threatening illness, far worse off than I am. I keep pulling myself together, smiling and hobbling along. Currently though, I hate my life.

Lost E-Cig

Cripes. In my last post, at the tail end of last year I had given up smoking. I have still given up smoking, not one cigarette has approached my lips. According to my quit app it is now 252 days, since I last smoked and I have saved £1,889. The app is good, initially. It really helped me in those dark, shakey days, seeing the money I had saved. It does nothing now, I can go for weeks without accessing it. The not smoking has become easier, the habit is obviously diminishing, but I still miss having a cigarette. On holiday recently there were a lot of people smoking, and now all packets of cigarettes look the same the old familiar pack sits there, a metre away, tempting you with that instant relax.

Years ago I bought an e-cig, a Neo. Sleek, black, perfectly balanced. No strange little bottles containing flavoured liquids for me. I had tidy little cartomisers, beautifully presented in smooth, clear, perspex containers.

My Neo resided in different drawers, I never got round to quitting and then, years later, it was put into use. It was my companion. Rarely used, but always there should a hit of nicotine, an exercise in inhaling, be required. Being a born worrier I thought I needed a spare. Supposing the battery broke, or I lost it. I wandered into shops enquiring into the possibility of purchasing a new one. All to no avail. Discontinued. One shop had a couple of cartomisers, I bought them. A stash. Then it happened. My Neo disappeared. I had it at the village society summer fete. I think I took it to the pub. High low, in pubs, in cars, handbags and drawers I hunted. I looked at other e-cigs. Oval, triangular, flat, not right. Then I found one, a Blu, it looked right. Hurrah. I went to order it and a supply of cartomisers. Strawberry, menthol, no tobacco. Alarm bells. This is something about to be discontinued. Back to hunting. Then it happened. Went out for a wander with Hubby, Daisy the cat decided she should accompany us. Not something to be encouraged given her predilection for rolling around in the middle of the road so we headed back home via a footpath we rarely use, and there it was. My Neo. Lying on the footpath.

Recharged, new cartomiser. It’s there. My spirit has lifted.

Moving forward

Staying alive

Well, I go away for a year, come back and WordPress has changed. Blocks?? I will be interested to see what it looks like.

My life plods  along. I’m still a Parish Councillor, just. I don’t do bureaucracy. I know that is a surprising statement from someone who was an NHS employee for 3 decades but the NHS was NOTHING in comparison to local government. A fence is in desperate need of painting. Residents offer to paint it, using a good quality wood paint, the same colour as it is at the moment. NO. NO says the Chair. Not before you have completed this risk assessment and answered this extremely insulting to the intelligence, poorly written email. Following on after 2 similar experiences the residents rounded on the council and told them to paint it themselves. The Chair also believes that they have the final say over everything, and that unless they want it to be discussed, it will not be discussed. It would be so easy to step away and leave them to it but I will not give in. I signed up to act in the best interests of the residents and that is what I shall continue to try to do.

The residents association is a reality now. It became official in January and is going great guns. They have resurrected the fete on the common, complete with live music. After an interesting exchange with the Parish Council (no you cannot put a tree on Parish land) they have erected a Christmas Tree on private land and will be having a public switch-on event. 

After 12 years of no contact with my Father he agreed to see me again. Contact involved me doing everything he wanted, the puppet master was controlling my life again. I was not permitted to ask why he had chosen to have no contact with me, or my children, for over a decade. The one occasion when I tried he gave a performance worthy of an oscar for ham-acting, much clutching at his head and wailing, however, no explanation. After helping him move home 3 times, and 3 years later, I have given up. He is 97 years old. He could die at any time but he could live for a few more years yet. Why have I decided to close the door on our relationship? I have realised that he really couldn’t care a jot about me, or my family. The reason he agreed to contact again was for his own interests. He was running out of friends and other family, so he decided that I was better than nothing. Our relationship is toxic, having contact with him makes me unhappy, very happy. It is a constant reminder that my Father shut me out; that he wasn’t there as a Grandad for my children, their other Grandad died when they were babies. That, although he must have known that his Grandson was terribly ill and close to death, he made no attempt to contact either of us. I have tried to talk to him about this. I felt that if we could speak about the history, that if I could understand why he had shut me and mine out, we could begin to establish a happy relationship. He blocks this, I have no idea why. I feel sad that he will take his side of the story to the grave with him but it is now obvious that this is what will happen.

Staying alive. That is me. I have given up smoking. After 40+ years I have not had a cigarette for 3 weeks. My quit app tells me that I have regained 1 day and 21 hours of life; that I have saved £143 and that I will gain 3Kgs in weight. Hmmm. The money is worth it, but the weight gain? Not so sure.

Other health news is that I have changed GP’s, and that I appear to have been put on a drug that has banished my restless legs. Yes. Rather than attempting to mask it with codeine, I am now taking Ropinirole, and it’s working. I can sleep, all night but, if I can’t sleep I can lie in bed. I can just lie there and relax. It’s all good in the hood.

Too true

I could never understand how the retired could say they had never been so busy, I can now. Last time I posted I mentioned that I was a Parish Councillor, The Vicar of Dibley, on a smaller scale. It is often so like this excellent parody. I am the youngest member of the Council, and often find the attitudes of my fellow councillors frustrating. So, so blinkered. Acknowledging their reluctance to immerse themselves in village concerns myself and another councillor thought that establishing a residents group would be an idea. How simplistic was our vision? Nothing is that easy nowadays. In my naivety I thought that getting villagers on board would be the hurdle. Not at all. We advertised a meeting. 500 leaflets through letter boxes. How vicious are some letter boxes? My nails really suffered. So did my ears with one stroppy resident. He did not want to know anything about the village apparently. ‘Sod the lot of us’. That first meeting, being optimistic we hoped for 30 attendees. OMG. 150 villagers turned up, the village definitely wanted a village society. I was really emotional. Blame it on the menopause! Cripes, we were in business. There were meetings; coffee dates; discussions with District and County representatives. Arm twistings to encourage people to be on the committee. Putting together the constitution. Reassuring the Parish Council that there isn’t a conflict of interest. Nearly there now though, then I step back. Always the midwife. Be there through the pregnant part, delivery, early days then, leave.

My forray back to ballet continues. One of the grandchildren snuggled up to me a couple of weeks ago, we were talking about my ballet class. She took my hand and gazed up at my face. ‘Are they kind to you Nanny?’ Just about sums it up really. BMI = overweight. Age = Late middle-aged. What on earth does she look like pretending to be a ballerina? Refer to Dawn French, again!

Well, not content with ballet I’ve now taken up aqua-aerobics as well. What a laugh. I love it. An amazing release. I’ve spent the last 15 years hiding my body. The burkini is nothing new. I have been wearing swimsuits with skirts for years, attempting to conceal stretch marks, flab and cellulite. I have always believed in miracles! Two other 60+, fun-lovers convinced me to plunge into the local pool and cavort to music. Along I went, swim dress flapping around my thighs. What an eye-opener. Do you know,  not all women at the municipal baths are golden brown, toned and young. They are mostly middle-aged and all make-up free, except for one hussy who looked pretty streaked by the end of the session. There is superfluous, blindingly pale flesh everywhere, and no one gives a damn. I went home that night and ordered a swim suit, nothing too daring or revealing, but a distinct lack of a skirt. Who would have thought that aqua-aerobics could be such a confidence builder.

Life is good. Busy, but not stressful.

Retired

Back in the spring I took the plunge and entered the next phase of my life. I retired from midwifery.

I had been an NHS midwife for over 20 years. For as long as I can remember I had imagined being a midwife. When I was a young child, in the ’50’s, my Mother was a District Nurse/Midwife in the East End of London (shades of Call the Midwife). I have memories of being transported around on the back of her bike. Of being in strange peoples front rooms, coal fires, hearth rugs and lino. I would be sitting there with anxious men whilst my Mother was busy ‘working’. I would be given glasses of Idris orange juice, fall asleep and then be woken, to be wrapped up and positioned in my seat on the back of her bike. Later we moved and then I would only be exposed to Mum’s work during school holidays when I would sit at the back of chilly halls whilst she demonstrated how to bath babies. As I grew up I would ‘help’ out at antenatal clinics, collecting urine specimens and changing the sheets on couches. In our house the bookcase had a shelf dedicated to obstetric books. I would pull these large dull looking tomes out and secret myself behind the sofa. There I would turn straight to the black and white photos, all gruesome images of specimens in glass jars, preserved for posterity in formaldehyde. Pictures of births demonstrating adverse outcomes, for women and infants. In Mum’s bedside cabinet she kept her RCM journals. I was always an early riser, and apparently an early reader as well. I would steal into her bedroom and pull a magazine out, absorbing all aspects of Midwifery.

At 18 I started my SRN nursing, the only entry into midwifery at that time. I never wanted to be a nurse but until I was in my 30’s that was as far as I got, children intervened! Once my babies were old enough I undertook my midwifery training, worked in an obstetric unit for a few years and then fulfilled my career ambition, become a community midwife. Lucky me. The family I had always desired and my chosen profession.

In 2004 the next phase of my life commenced, I became a grandmother and by 2012 I had 8 of the little Rugrats!

In the course of my midwifery career I have been a hospital midwife; a teenage pregnancy midwife; a community midwife; a specialist VBAC midwife and a birth reflections midwife.

To the present day. In order to retire we had to sell the family home, we had lived there for 26 years, and down-size. Very traumatic, but always part of our plan. We have moved to a village and into a smaller house (not a problem), with a much, much smaller garden (big problem for me). We still live close to our family and I still participate in childcare. I didn’t want to ‘rest on my laurels’ so now volunteer at the local charity shop and am on the Parish Council. I have gone back to an activity from my youth, ballet, and I love it. I have about 30 years on all other participants but they are very kind to me!

Do I miss midwifery? Oh yes, every day. Legally I am now prevented from exercising my skill. If I had been a hairdresser, car mechanic or most other trades I could still help people out, as a retired midwife, no longer employed and with no insurance I cannot, I should not even check a pregnant woman’s blood pressure. One of my delights was to help out friends and relatives by providing their antenatal care or just being able to check everything was okay if they were concerned. My practical midwifery skills were just deleted earlier on this year, and I grieve for them.

I don’t miss the bureaucracy, the idiocy and the stress. It is these aspects I shall continue to comment on. I still have many threads connecting me to the maternity services and I have every intention of remaining up to date.

That’s it for today but I shall return. Soon.

The 11+ nightmare

Yesterday daughter came to collect her offspring and told me about her nightmare. This daughter is not given to sharing her dreams, in fact I can’t remember her ever doing this before. I listened attentively. The narrative was short, but it revealed so much.

In her dream she, and I, were in a hall and the 11+ decisions were being read out. It came to her daughter’s name and the outcome was non-selection for Grammar school. In her dream she cried hysterically, berating herself for not signing up to the coaching culture. She cried so loudly that she woke herself. Daughter described this experience as a ‘nightmare’, which to her it was.

I am no expert in dream interpretation but there are so many bits that leap out if I analyse. Grandaughter will receive her 11+ decision, result, today. She and her parents had made the decision not to go down the coaching route, unlike the majority of her classmates. AJ is bright. Her literacy skills are excellent, her numeracy is average and, she loves school. The central core of daughter’s dream is that she will blame herself if/when AJ is not selected for a grammar school. Her error will be not insisting AJ be coached.  Parent’s, but especially Mothers, do this all the time, throughout their children’s life they assume responsibility for every outcome. I find it interesting that I am with daughter. Is she sharing the ‘blame’ with me, or am I there as her support? Whoops! Now I’m doing it, assuming degree of responsibility for her anguish.

Daughter herself only attended grammar school for 6th form. We had made the decision to move her to another, non-selective school prior to what was then the 12+. Is the ‘nightmare’ revealing that she felt sadness at not having the chance to go through the election process? Her distress is now becoming mine as well. Luckily though, I can look back and know that the decision we made nearly 30 years ago did not, educationally, have any adverse repercussions.

This afternoon AJ will come out of school clutching an envelope which will reveal which school she will attend from September. I think I know what it will say. I would love to believe that natural ability will overcome the 3 years of coaching  that the majority of her classmates have undertaken. It would certainly reinstate my faith in the original concept of the 11+. Whatever the result AJ will know that it was honest and that we are proud of her.

Dear Dave

Still current. Perhaps even more pertinent now.

A Midwife's Muse

Dear Mr Cameron

I know that you, your government, the country, need to cut spending. I would know that because my wage packet has already been adversely affected, I accept that and don’t believe that public sector workers should be immune from ‘cuts’. Please note that I have said ‘public sector workers’, not ‘the public sector’.

I can’t comment with any degree of authority on the majority of publicly funded institutions but ask me about the maternity services and I can go on for hours, if not days, perhaps even weeks, you see I’m an NHS midwife, and have been for many years.

At this point I could make lots of self-invented comparisons between the effects of cost-savings within education, policing, parks etc., and the maternity services but they would be trite and not substantiated so, I shall just go straight to the heart of the matter, if you adversely affect the budget…

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