Delayed shock, or delayed realisation, I don’t know but there is certainly something going on in my brain. It is hitting me now, great chunks of empty spaces and knowing that Ref is really dead. Stupid really, I mean I spent days watching him lose his grasp on life, stood with him once he had died and then went to his funeral, I knew that he was dead, or I thought that I did. It must only have been on the surface though as it is only now that I am fully aware of the finality. I suppose that some of this must have to do with the ‘out of the blue’, freaky nature of the circumstances which caused his death. Is working helping? I would love to just be able to wallow and mentally sort everything out, but would that help, is it better that I don’t have that much time to ponder upon stuff? It’s 6 of one and half a dozen of the other really. If I had time off then stress-wise, supporting my Mum and helping my sister out, it would really ease the situation, I wouldn’t be on such a guilt-trip about not being around but it could also increase stress as my Mother is not an easy person to be around at the best of times! Mum is actually getting worse, it is driving her mad, and fuelling her anger, living opposite the driver who was the cause of her husband’s death. Apparently the man has just had a brand new car delivered, his car is still in police custody, and my Mother is taking this as a personal insult from the driver himself and also the world at large. It must be so difficult for her, a constant, constant reminder and replay.
This week the solicitors came to talk about the case etc., I wanted to be there but work got in the way, I wanted to know if she could claim expenses for moving home, she is never, ever going to be able to start to arrive at any form of calmness and acceptance whilst she lives on that road, in that house, opposite that man, she needs to move (or he does) but why should she have to finance a move which is only necessary because of the accident? Does that sound money-grabbing? Am I turning into an ‘ambulance chaser’? Are these normal thoughts? Perhaps I’m going as mad as my Mother.
Hmmm, working is definitely a good idea, it doesn’t allow time for me to analyse and fret about everything.
How ghastly for your poor mother to live opposite someone who not only had such a devastating effect on your family but who appears not to care a damn for her feelings.
Maybe the Victim Support officer, attached to the police station, would be of some help. Perhaps s/he might be able to have a few stern words in the right ear? Mind you, that might not be possible until after the court case – God forbid a criminal’s human rights be threatened!
I don’t think a claim for expenses to help with moving away from the scene is in the least bit money-grabbing.
Your account of your step-father’s death has resulted in me having a discussion with my son about reversing out of our driveway. We don’t do it any more.
Teuchter – I’m pleased that my accounts of events has made people think. When the case is over I’m hoping that we can talk to the media to make people more aware, not necessarily to make them stop reversing out of their drives but to make them think about pedestrians and look for them, not just other vehicles.
Thinking of you.
allgrownup – Yesterday was a ‘down day’. Thank you.
I think all your thought are completely rational and I agree your mother needs a move. Claiming for it in some way seems more than reasonable.
I remember riding my bike on a pavement as a child and a car reversing out of the driveway without seeing me. Your tragic accounts make me realise how lucky I was.
mumof4 – It’s so easily, too easily, done though when reversing off a drive. It must have terrified you as a child and would have made me anxious as a parent.
How you felt is not stupid at all! We all have up and down days but when something like this happens it interrupts our lives in all sorts of ways.
It’s been good that you’ve been able to write about it here as you have. That has probably helped you, and it’s always good to have positive feedback.
Sadly such incidents not only affect people at the time but often for long afterwards.
Having gone through several such periods myself I truly sympathise as it really does take it toll one way and another.
Take care! xx
Flighty – Writing does help to put things into perspective and often makes me reassess my reactions, emotions. It was a low day when I wrote this entry and as you say I expect ‘it will affect me for long afterwards’. x
I think your reactions,and your mother’s, are perfectly natural. It is always life changing when someone close dies and even more so when it is unexpected, but must be devastating when it was from a thoughtless action by someone else. The old GP I used to work for said that it was like an illness, the first month tha acute phase, the next year the recovery and convalescence. I don’t suppose your “convalescence can begin until the court case is over. Will remember you all in my prayers.
Granny Anne – We don’t even know when he court case will be, and that is driving my Mum mad as she feels that nothing is happening with regard to the motorist. She is definitely in the acute phase, especially if it involves anger.
Have been wanting to let you know I’ve been thinking of you for a while, and agree that what you and your mother feel is natural, however it is possible, though very painful to move on. My cousin was killed just outside her house by a drunk driver. My aunt & uncle couldn’t afford to move for the following 35+ years. I’ve never known how she coped with doing the washing up overlooking the scene of her daughters death for the 12 years it took to save up for the materials for my uncle to build an extension out the back to relocate the kitchen.
Am not religious but events in my life have led me to believe that lots of things happen for a reason. Maybe dying in such a way spared him from a debilitating fight against cancer or dementia, or maybe you’re meant to do the campaign to stop people reversing out of drives to save others from the same fate.
I hope you don’t find these thoughts glib or uncaring – just wanted you to know that sometimes life sucks and that we’re thinking of you when it does.
j – That must be terrible, the death of a child, and it happening just outside the house, horrific.
I don’t consider your your thoughts glib, or uncaring, quite the opposite in fact. Thank you for sharing.
I’m a firm believer in allowing your thoughts and feelings to carry you where they will, provided it doesn’t go on for an unseemly length of time or harm others. So stop fighting it and let yourself grieve and think. You’ll laugh and cry in turn – often out of the blue if my own experiences are anything to go by – it’s part of the healing.
I don’t know HOW that neighbour can act so callously, nor how your poor mum is supposed to relive the accident every day. I just hope there is a way out for her and an attack of conscience for the neighbour! Undoubtedly it was an accident, but I certainly knew that the highway code says not to reverse onto a main road, so he has no excuse for doing it at all, never mind repeatedly!
Sorry, I waffled again. Thinking of you.
X
Blue Spice – Mum is starting to ‘lose it’ and I’m now quite worried that she will confront the neighbour, she is becoming angrier about him by the day. I am just mainly stressed for and by her with odd times when the finality/reality smack me in the gut and stop me in my tracks, literally. Accidents re like that though, sudden, unexpected and stupid.
I hope you don’t mind me posting this link that describes the stages of the grieving process. You are probably all too well aware of them already:
http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-THE-3.html
I review these myself every so often for reasons beyond the death of a loved one. Your posts have brought back a memory from years ago when a close relative died, and how it didn’t actually sink in until more than six months after he was gone…then the real grieving started.
I feel for you and especially your mum.
mygrain – Grief just brings out, refreshes so many memories, good and bad, happy and sad. It’s silly little things which will stir my emotions and unfortunately they are totally uncontrollable and unpredictable.
Thank you for the link – Mum is in the anger stage, I don’t know where I am, I think I sway between anger and denial.
Whilst I really feel sorry for your mother (and the rest of the family) I am not sure that the driver can be called callous – what is he supposed to do? He presumably works and has to have a car for that and he can’t be expected to move house because of the accident. I would expect he is feeling terribly guilty and I would hope he is suffering and will learn from his mistake.
Don’t get me wrong – I am not condoning his behaviour but I was thinking what would I do in the same situation and couldn’t come up with an answer that would help your mother. Equally if I was in your Mother’s shoes I would be very upset to look out on the scene of the accident all the time and I would want to move but I think it is best to get the trial out of the way and think about it then. She may find she doesn’t want to move because in time the happier memories outweigh the bad – that is certainly what happened to my Mother in Law when her husband died in their house – initially she wanted to move because she couldn’t bear to be in the same room as the one he’d died in (it wasn’t an accident but unexpected and a huge shock). She even got as far as putting the house on the market but after a couple of months she decided that all the good memories in the house were enough for her to want to stay.
anon – Callous – true, he has to work and although he may consider moving it couldn’t happen quickly BUT he doesn’t have to reverse out of his drive, he could reverse in and drive out or turn in his drive, there is room. So no, perhaps not callous but ignorant – yes.
I’m not sure what is best for my Mum but certainly she is festering at the moment. Your Father-in law dying unexpectedly at home must have been awful for your MIL but at least she didn’t see the circumstances replayed time after time, day after day and no one else could be seen to have caused his death. Once the court case is over and it seems that the person who knocked my step-father over has been ‘punished’ Mum may be able to start dealing with her grief etc. but at the moment the fact that the driver appears to be carrying on as normal is keeping her grief very much in the anger phase.