Delayed shock, or delayed realisation, I don’t know but there is certainly something going on in my brain. It is hitting me now, great chunks of empty spaces and knowing that Ref is really dead. Stupid really, I mean I spent days watching him lose his grasp on life, stood with him once he had died and then went to his funeral, I knew that he was dead, or I thought that I did. It must only have been on the surface though as it is only now that I am fully aware of the finality. I suppose that some of this must have to do with the ‘out of the blue’, freaky nature of the circumstances which caused his death. Is working helping? I would love to just be able to wallow and mentally sort everything out, but would that help, is it better that I don’t have that much time to ponder upon stuff? It’s 6 of one and half a dozen of the other really. If I had time off then stress-wise, supporting my Mum and helping my sister out, it would really ease the situation, I wouldn’t be on such a guilt-trip about not being around but it could also increase stress as my Mother is not an easy person to be around at the best of times! Mum is actually getting worse, it is driving her mad, and fuelling her anger, living opposite the driver who was the cause of her husband’s death. Apparently the man has just had a brand new car delivered, his car is still in police custody, and my Mother is taking this as a personal insult from the driver himself and also the world at large. It must be so difficult for her, a constant, constant reminder and replay.
This week the solicitors came to talk about the case etc., I wanted to be there but work got in the way, I wanted to know if she could claim expenses for moving home, she is never, ever going to be able to start to arrive at any form of calmness and acceptance whilst she lives on that road, in that house, opposite that man, she needs to move (or he does) but why should she have to finance a move which is only necessary because of the accident? Does that sound money-grabbing? Am I turning into an ‘ambulance chaser’? Are these normal thoughts? Perhaps I’m going as mad as my Mother.
Hmmm, working is definitely a good idea, it doesn’t allow time for me to analyse and fret about everything.